moving on?

Well hello again, it has been a while since my last post. I have lost 25 lbs. and in all the turmoil, someone came back asking for another chance. I was so happy at first, my prayers had been answered right?? Well at first I was elated, on cloud nine. Here is the man that I love and he is crying to me and telling me how much he loves me, and how stupid he was for ever doubting his love for me. It was everything I had been praying for. But here it is a month later and is it really any better? I mean he's here and he stays home but is he really back? I have done so much self reflecting and I think what it boils down to is I just don't need him anymore. In all the heartache I began to like myself again, and I realized that I deserve so much more than what he is giving me. He makes excuses for his lack of emotion and lack of affection. He tells me he loves me and to stop trying to read into things. But I have to ask the question, if my needs were being met, would I have to constantly ask him for reassurance? Shouldn't I know by his actions how he feels about me? I know we have been married for a long time, but shouldn't he still be affectionate? I also find myself getting angry at him a lot. I am resentful that he didn't have to suffer the hell that I did. He had one day of sadness, I had months. I had a whole month and a half of living with someone that treated me like a piece of garbage, something that was easily thrown aside without a second thought. Now I live with a stranger, someone that could truly care less whether or not he saw me today or not. I think if nothing else, this blog is a form of therapy for me. It seems if I write it down and I can physically see it, I can make sense of it. I think I just answered my own question. He is not in love with me, and maybe I have moved on too.

Well I have decided that the only way to take back my life is to learn to like myself again. I was constantly told by my dear husband that I was too critical, and mean. I always took that to heart and really tried to self reflect to recognize in myself what was making me such a bad person. All these years I have felt like there was something wrong with me and maybe I was as awful as he stated. I realized over the weekend after having a lengthy yet useless conversation with my husband that he just doesn't like anything about me. I realized at that moment that I am not a terrible person, that I have been letting someone destroy me and then letting them blame me for it. I now see that he is just truly unhappy with himself(though he'l never admit it). I am not saying that I can't be mean or critical, but for some reason we learned to bring out the worst in eachother. How does that happen? We used to tiptoe around eachother to avoid hurting one another, and now we have evolved into eachother's worst enemy. I am beginning to wonder if this happened because we have been together so long that we know eachother's weaknesses, and subconsciously jumped on them. I am still baffled by this whole situation, I just want my life back, without pain and tears.

Sometimes when reality sets in, that reality is just too impossible to accept. It is like a slap in the face, so hard that it knocks you down. Well I'm officially down, and it is devastating. My brain is starting to rationalize now, and my inner self is helping me make sense of this madness. I have decided that I need to take a leave of absence from work( if they will let me) and take my kids to go stay with family for a few weeks to get away from this hell. School does not start for another month so this gives me time to step away from the situation and just "be" for a little while to hopefully begin to heal my heart. I am not sure what steps are after that, it's one day at a time, hour by hour, minute by minute, breath by breath...

I just got back home from spending some time with my son at the community pool. It was a good time and a great eye opener as well. I saw several couples there some my age, and they were close together, not all over eachother but you knew there was affection. I realized that i haven't had that in a while, a long while. I try and think back and I can't remember any outward affection from my spouse in years. How could I have been so oblivious? Even in the beginning he would fail to introduce me to people, he would go off on his own at a party and unless you knew us directly, you might not know we were together. He always just convinced me that he wasn't an outwardly affectionate person, and when we were alone he was great. Has he ever loved me? I remember he cried during our vows and I swear I felt love for so many years. Is it possible that some men just don't feel comfortable displaying emotion in public? I think part of me has reached the point of no return, and my "needing" him is fading. I am hurt, but now I'm angry. I wasted many of the best years of my life on a man that never felt for me the way I felt for him. I am finding strength that I didn't know I had, and I think I need to just continue to move forward without looking back.

Home alone again... Seems to be the common theme around here. I keep playing sappy songs of heartache which only makes me more sad, but it does seem to help the loneliness a little. I have moved my kids to two different states in three years and looks like I will be moving them back to New York with family. This all seems so surreal, so foreign to me. I can't believe I am here in this moment it seems like a bad dream. Life carries on, but who really is affected? I know i am broken hearted, but what about my kids? How could we have failed at this job? How will they handle this...this loss in their lives? I think I hurt more for them and knowing what is about to happen just intensifies the pain. Is it OK to wish that he would wake up and realize what he is tearing into pieces? He has no affection for me, yet I find myself wishing he would just want to stay. In all this sadness there does seem to be a fire lit within me, one I haven't felt in a while. I think it is a part of me that has been lost for a long time, it almost makes me feel alive. I keep thinking I need to move ahead with my life, and this spark in me seems to be my strength of survival, like a friend assuring me that I will be OK. Only time will make this better, and in this moment I wish I could fast forward...

SO here it is Saturday late AM and my dear husband has said few words to me again. He and my son did mention they were hitting the water park again today...An easy excuse to get away from me for a ten hour stretch. I wonder if his silence is from indifference or perhaps guilt?? I'm not too sure but the silence is deafening. I need to form a plan, but I don't know where to start. I can't move 4 States away to my family, moving my kids again is just too much to ask of them. I can't afford a life on my own, and God knows if we can barely get by together, how the hell will we manage with two places. I keep hoping he will snap out of it and say he loves me, and he needs me, but as days turn to weeks I realize that is not going to be. How can I deal with this and still be a good Mom? I know thousands of women do it everyday, but I'm not them and I don't know how to manage. He has focused ALL his attention on my Son and I feel as though my son would rather be with him. All so heartbreaking, truly heartbreaking. I just need to keep writing, it helps me focus the thoughts spinning in my head. I can somehow clarify it if I write it down...weird.

So here I sit a 37 year old mother of two and wife of almost 15 years... Where did these years go and just where the hell did I lose myself along the way? Up until a few weeks ago, I would have said I was happy. I mean sure I could have more money, or I could lose the weight that keeps me so insecure, but as far as my marriage... I was happy. From all outside appearances life seemed good. Why was I so stupid? How could I have not been prepared? What will I do, and where will this road have led me in a year's time? I keep telling myself that he really does love me, it is just that we have been together for so long the spark has faded. But is that true, am I wasting my time?
 I don't claim to be the wisest of women, but why is it so hard to admit to myself what is really happening? And why is this happening? I sit alone a lot and replay the last seventeen years and really have to ask myself when did he stop loving me? How long have I been with a man that truly isn't in love...with me? I get very angry with myself when I think of the years that I may have wasted. I have so many emotions I don't know where to begin. I'm broken, literally broken. I feel as though my insides are churning and this pain, actual pain in my heart that feels like I'm carrying 10,000 lbs and I'm not strong enough to keep it from crushing me. Part of me wants to just hold on to what is left of my so called marriage just to ease the pain that comes a long with a broken heart, but is that really the answer? He says he doesn't know how he feels, and that we should work on it,but I realized today that those are just words to appease me, they are not true, they are simply words. If he truly wanted to work on "us" he would put forth an effort, he would be trying to spend time with me, trying to reignite that spark. I think today I finally realized that it's over, it is really over. I spend all my nights alone, thoughts dominating my every moment, my entire being. I think today I realized that there is no hope and somehow I need to find the inner strength to walk away.
 How do I do that, how do I live without this man that I have loved for so long? Maybe it is the love I have for him  that will allow my brain to accept that he is happier without me. I need to think, to plan, to let go of what will never be again, only then can I truly hit rock bottom and begin to crawl out of this hell.

STEP ONE:  It's over
 Wow, I said it and the flood gates open