So here I sit a 37 year old mother of two and wife of almost 15 years... Where did these years go and just where the hell did I lose myself along the way? Up until a few weeks ago, I would have said I was happy. I mean sure I could have more money, or I could lose the weight that keeps me so insecure, but as far as my marriage... I was happy. From all outside appearances life seemed good. Why was I so stupid? How could I have not been prepared? What will I do, and where will this road have led me in a year's time? I keep telling myself that he really does love me, it is just that we have been together for so long the spark has faded. But is that true, am I wasting my time?
 I don't claim to be the wisest of women, but why is it so hard to admit to myself what is really happening? And why is this happening? I sit alone a lot and replay the last seventeen years and really have to ask myself when did he stop loving me? How long have I been with a man that truly isn't in love...with me? I get very angry with myself when I think of the years that I may have wasted. I have so many emotions I don't know where to begin. I'm broken, literally broken. I feel as though my insides are churning and this pain, actual pain in my heart that feels like I'm carrying 10,000 lbs and I'm not strong enough to keep it from crushing me. Part of me wants to just hold on to what is left of my so called marriage just to ease the pain that comes a long with a broken heart, but is that really the answer? He says he doesn't know how he feels, and that we should work on it,but I realized today that those are just words to appease me, they are not true, they are simply words. If he truly wanted to work on "us" he would put forth an effort, he would be trying to spend time with me, trying to reignite that spark. I think today I finally realized that it's over, it is really over. I spend all my nights alone, thoughts dominating my every moment, my entire being. I think today I realized that there is no hope and somehow I need to find the inner strength to walk away.
 How do I do that, how do I live without this man that I have loved for so long? Maybe it is the love I have for him  that will allow my brain to accept that he is happier without me. I need to think, to plan, to let go of what will never be again, only then can I truly hit rock bottom and begin to crawl out of this hell.

STEP ONE:  It's over
 Wow, I said it and the flood gates open